Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday. Thank Gnome it’s Friday, you could say. I wouldn’t recommend it because there’s a less than one percent chance anyone will appreciate it but you technically can.
Anyway, I’m finally seeing my siblings! They are on the way as I type this and I am so incredibly excited. I don’t have very long with them because, as far as I know, I’m going to my dad’s this Saturday, but some time is better than no time. We’re going to have pizza for dinner but I’m very worried I won’t be able to have any. My appetite has been very unpredictable lately.
I did my nails today. Funnily enough, the worst part of the nail painting process for me is actually the texture of dry cotton pads and feeling of dragging the pads against my nails even when they’re saturated with remover. Neither of those comes close to the misery of filing my nails but that, at least, isn’t something I have to do every time. I chose mostly dark colors because, I don’t know, there’s something I like about matching the way I look externally to how I feel internally. The one lighter color I chose was a medium tone hot pink. I think that’s very accurate to how I’ve been doing mentally recently. Mostly Unwell, but sometimes a bit of cheer bleeds through.
Honestly, I’ve been doing… Pretty badly, I have to say. Getting to see my siblings and later my dog definitely helps but I have been in such a slump. It’s hard to work up the motivation to do just about anything. I’ve had so little energy, even when I sleep perfectly well, and I don’t know what to do about it.
Waiting for my GED accommodation requests to get reviewed is certainly making things ten times worse. I do very poorly with waiting for important things. It feels like my entire life is on hold, especially with something this significant. I’ve unfortunately had plenty of experience, but that’s never made it any easier. It’s so frustrating for me to just not be able to do anything about it. Being disabled already gives you more than enough of that.
Suddenly—or maybe not so suddenly? It might have just been building over time—I miss my life in Massachusetts. Not the state itself, I feel very ambivalent towards it, but it’s so weird to move three hours away from a place you’ve been for so long. I miss my psychologist. I saw her for ten years so it’s been hard for me to see someone new. I don’t think it helps that I had a very firm routine before I moved that was external—physical therapy, talk therapy, visiting my dad every weekend—and now everything is less consistent and I stopped going to physical therapy. Those were things that were predictable. I had them as landmarks of a sort, events to anchor my sense of time. I do have biweekly appointments with my therapist but, I don’t know, I think only having one regular thing as opposed to three throws me off hard. I’ve been trying to come up with something I can do every week at the same time, on the same day but it’s really difficult.
I think that’s one negative about going to library events. The ones I want to go to can be at any time, on any day, so it’s hard to establish a consistent routine because it could get in the way of that. I’m worried that if I get into the habit of doing something and an event later conflicts with it, I’ll just cause myself twice the distress having to choose between breaking my routine and doing something I want to. I hope that makes sense.
I’m going to call it here. This has been quite a ramble. Hopefully on Tuesday I will not have news of more canceled plans. I do not think that would go over well for me.