I’ll be honest, I’ve had a rough mental health week. It completely slipped my mind that it’s Friday until just now. We’re going to give me some grace and call that a further example of the disabled experience showing through in this blog.
I have, unfortunately, continued to start almost crying in public spaces. The past two times it has been because I gave the wrong answer at trivia and someone commented on it and because I imperfectly decorated a cupcake and literally no one commented on it. I just got mad at myself for not being good at cupcake decorating. Despite the fact that I have only ever decorated cakes, which obviously allows me much greater surface area, and have never attempted the type of decoration the class was doing.
I also needed my mom to tell me not to join a conversation happening at our table just because they mentioned a show I like. I still don’t really understand why. We were at the same table as them. I don’t know why we weren’t supposed to interact at all. I’m really not sure if it’s just in general you aren’t supposed to do that, or if she thinks I, specifically, shouldn’t so I don’t trample over their conversation in my excitement.
I honestly couldn’t tell you why I got so upset. My guess is just that I never fully recovered from the previous almost having a meltdown incidents so I’m more socially anxious. It’s hard to tell for sure. It would really be great if I knew because then maybe I wouldn’t be terrified to go to something happening next week, despite having looked forward to it for half a damn year, because it’s a combination trivia and craft night. Also known as the two things I previously cried and almost cried over, respectively.
On a happier note, I’m very excited about a music focused college program I found. I have to audition for it but it’s at community college so I can afford to go without a loan and, hopefully, it’ll be something of a stepping stone for me to study music more. I do have to study music theory to pass said audition which feels like an insurmountable task but, at the very least, I can get the specific book the college’s website recommended from the library. It’s not super expensive or anything but having the opportunity to read it and see if it’s helpful before spending money on a copy of my own is great. Unfortunately someone else has it right now so I have to wait a couple weeks. I still think that’s better than having to buy the book and possibly return it if I don’t find it useful.
I’ve kind of been floundering thinking about my future. One might—and multiple people have, in fact, said this to me—that I shouldn’t be worrying before I even have my GED but, well, it’s sort of in my nature. I need to have things planned out or I get really stressed. I assume that’s an autism thing and it’s comforting to know why my brain is like this, but it’s still really annoying. I wish I had the ability to be a “cross that bridge when we get to it” person but I am genuinely incapable of it. I get upset not knowing what time we need to leave the house, something totally insignificant in comparison to what your life will be like in six month’s time, so you can imagine how difficult it is to cope with not knowing what my college experience will look like.
I’ve talked before that I really don’t know what I’m doing in the future. My plan to study music is a relatively recent choice and, even though I believe it is the best choice, I’m having a hard time feeling secure about it. It’s something I do think will be useful in the future—which, if I’m spending thousands of dollars to go to college, is a very good thing to be—but, I don’t know, I just get so overwhelmed thinking about the possibilities I could encounter.
I think I’ll leave it here for now. I could go on for quite some time about the whole college thing. Hopefully on Tuesday, I’ll have more positive things to share.