Author: elle

   Happy Tuesday! I hope you’re doing well. I very much am not. I could be worse, but my mental health is more turbulent than physical at the moment. It doesn’t help that I’ve been falling over often—whether that’s due to me losing my balance or my knees giving out—so it’s even harder to convince myself to get out of bed. I have this tendency to fall into depressive episodes, with passive suicidal thoughts coming up most nights, during flare-ups and I’ve never quite found a way to properly manage them.

 

   However, I finished crocheting my fingerless gloves! I added a ruffle to both the top and bottom for a bit of fun and whimsy. I’m taking a break now because my wrists, and oddly also my ankles, have been very difficult the past two days. When I feel better, though, I’m going to make a pair in pink! I love the light blue I used this time but, besides the fact that it’s better to have two, you can never go wrong with pink. Purple is my favorite color but I just adore pink. It’s a very happy color to me.

 

   I made an impulsive and questionable decision last night. I haven’t been able to shower recently because of my flare-up but at 3am I just got so fed up. My hair felt so weird and gross so I ended up leaning over the tub and washing it. Even with my knees braced on the tub and one hand on my shower chair, I almost hit my head several times. I feel a lot better now but I am still reeling from how close I was to a concussion. I ended up having a quarter of a ben and jerry’s ice cream cup before finally falling asleep.

 

   My bones have been cracking a concerning amount lately, too. I plan to talk about it more later but it’s been really disturbing me. I know logically it’s not the end of the world and it’s just how my body is, but it just feels wrong. Sometimes the cracking comes with a little bit of pain relief but other times it makes it worse. The conflict of that on top of it just makes it all kind of confusing. It’s a very unpleasant situation.

 

   One thing getting me through this is how supportive my mom is. She has her own stuff to do but she always makes time for me. She lets me eat in bed so I don’t have to get up and risk falling or putting myself in more pain. She makes my favorite foods for dinner and buys little treats for breakfast or snacks. It’s hard not to feel guilty about it but I know if she didn’t want to do it, she either wouldn’t do it at all or would complain the whole time. Seeing as she hasn’t, I know logically she doesn’t mind but it’s hard to get that to sink in.

 

   That’s all I have for today. If you’re also in the storm’s path, I hope you’re staying warm. Thank you for reading and I’ll see you Friday!

 

 

   Only our second check-in and already the first to be written during a flare-up. I can’t say I’m necessarily surprised, but I’m definitely disappointed. It’s suddenly gotten twice as cold where I live, as a storm is rolling in, and my body is taking it very harshly.

 

   I had to change my first article topic because of this, actually. I’ll go more into detail about that when it’s posted but I’m feeling quite upset about it. It feels like all my plans just came crashing down. Everything hurts so much, I’m nauseous all the time and it’s hard to think about anything but that.

 

   On the bright side, I’ve just gotten a new mattress. My previous mattress was five years older than me, I kid you not, and incredibly difficult to get comfortable on. The new one feels like heaven in comparison. I’ve been sleeping much easier which is a fantastic gift in general, but so much more in the middle of a flare-up. I’m pretty much stuck in bed all day during these episodes, so the timing couldn’t be better.

 

   Unfortunately, sometimes I still can’t rest because my upstairs neighbors are unbearably loud. There’s constant crashing, pounding, barking, even yelling from upstairs. It’s very frustrating. Especially since there’s more than two floors in our building, so they also know what it’s like to have people stomping on your ceiling. Maybe their neighbors are much more temperate; who’s to say?

 

   I haven’t been able to crochet much as my wrists and fingers make a great many concerning sounds when I do so, but I try. The pain gets to be more than I tolerate quickly but again, I enjoy crochet so I do what I can. Due to the cold, my project has shifted from a book cover to fingerless gloves. I do have a pair already, but they’re much too bulky to wear every day in the house. I’ve finished one but my progress on the other is, unsurprisingly, rather slow.

 

   I’m not playing quite as much animal crossing as before because my energy is more than halved, but I still like to. It’s not too intensive but it’s fun and more interactive than most of the activities—by which I mean watching youtube or tv and reading on my phone—that I’m able to do during times like these. I’m in the midst of redecorating a few areas on my island so I get to be creative without putting too much strain on my body.

 

   For the most part, I’ve just been resting or sleeping. I’m struggling to eat, due to both nausea and the overwhelming numbness I feel during flare-ups, but my mom is very supportive so I’m getting by. There are these mini bottles of juice smoothies that I like which usually we only get twice a month maximum, as they’re $16 for 12 and of those I get only 9, but they’re on sale this week so I don’t have to worry about making them last. It’s a very good thing, as they’re both one thing I can always handle and just about the only way I can get fruits down. I am quite a fan of applesauce, but that only goes so far.

 

   With that, I leave you for now. I hope you feel better than I do right now and thanks for reading!

 

   Time for our first biweekly check-in! I’m writing this Monday night because of something that’ll come up frequently in these posts. My parents are divorced and roughly every other weekend I go to my dad’s for a few days! He lives three hours away so it’s a bit of a trek. I’m going back Tuesday, thus the writing tonight. I’ll get back about late afternoon so I could write then but, well, the trip tends to suck up a lot of my energy. Packing and being in the car is rough on my body and on my sensory issues so I tend to just collapse afterwards.

   That all said, let’s get into it! The most important thing is, of course, starting this blog. I’ve been planning it for some time but just didn’t really get around to it ‘til now. I’ve decided I want to post my articles the first of each month. I feel a bit bad about delaying it when I’ve started in the middle of one but, then again, maybe it gives me the chance to find my footing with all this.

   Other than that, I’ve had a relatively eventful weekend. Relatively both because of my disability and because in the summer and fall, I went to a fair amount of local events. Alas, likely because of the unpredictable weather of New York winter, there have been much fewer lately so I’ve been in a bit of a slump. Still, I’m trucking on so let’s talk about it!

   I’ve been playing a lot of Animal Crossing: New Horizons, I must confess. I started a new island a little while ago so I’m still on the hunt for five stars. So far, I’m only at four and I’m struggling to get that last one. The new Legend of Zelda furniture has gone nicely with the mossy/overgrown area I’m making, though, so that’s nice.

   I went on a walk with my dad, stepmom and dog! We went to a boba shop a few blocks away and I only had to stop and rest twice each way! It was a bit of a gamble bringing my rollator in the snow but it went well. I’ve never had boba before and I feel very neutral about it. The lemonade I got it in was incredible but I don’t really love chewing my drinks. I’m proud of myself both for walking and trying something new, though! 

   My current crochet project is a book cover. It’s my own pattern, a nice balance between simple and pretty that I couldn’t find anywhere. One of my favorite crochet stitches is the shell stitch so I, of course, had to use it. I’ll be making presents soon, my first adventure into amigurumi, so it’s nice to have something easy for now.

   One of my other hobbies is piano and I think I’ve been making some progress! It’s slow going, since I’m self taught, but I’m happy with how it’s going. Managing to move over a full octave in a short amount of time is hard now but it’s getting easier!

   Other than that, I’ve mostly just been resting. Spending some time with my dog, which is always lovely. He’s an old man now, in a few months it’ll be nine whole years since we got him as a puppy, but he’s such a sweetie. Easily confused, as to be expected with an older dog, but I love him to bits.

   That’s all I’ve got for you today! Thanks for reading and I hope you’re doing well.